Breakdown

Sorry I haven't written anything. Maybe I will soon. It was just too raw and hurried then. I couldn't put down what I felt.

So, we now jump forward almost a month since the death of Geoffrey Dykstra.
Why is it that I can't stand church? Several reasons.
Church brings back the rawness and the hurt. Songs about God and love, they hurt. The Prayer Request list in Youth School, that hurts too. Reading the Bible: don't even get me started.
The people there are so clingy. I have the "cling-ons" eight year olds that love me to death and actually fight to be the one that holds my hand. AKA: no breathing room. My friends are clingy too. What if I don't want to walk arm in arm? I need my space! It doesn't help that all of them except one have never had any real tragedy in their life. Today's lesson was on the "Storms of Life." The teacher asked us if any of us had had any real storms. No one had.
I'm tired of the kind comments. My mom explaining the situation to people just made me break down. Can you believe some one actually told me that "He's in a better place." TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW! Try not to use the carbon copy answers used in situations like this. The only one I think I could talk to would be my minister, and he was in the middle of a crowded room, and there's no way I was going to walk through that room with the tears all over y face. I would get too many hugs and too many looks of sympathy. Or pity. Whatever.
The last thing is that I don't want to be happy. They asked me to go to music practice after, but I couldn't. I didn't go back to church after youth school. I said I had to go to the bathroom, and went outside. To get out of music practice, I just said I had to go home and ran upstairs and started crying. My mom found me, we talked things out a bit, and we left.

So much for church. I'm angry.