Strange Urge

I haven't been to his grave yet.

I don't know why.

I really don't.

Most of his friend have gone several times, and some at least once a month.  But not me.

Why?  I keep asking myself.

All those yellow leaves are still sitting in my garage. I wanted to take them up, but I haven't yet.  It's not like I haven't had the time, as I have had it.  It's not like I haven't had a ride, because my mom says that she'll drive me up any time that I want to.

Was it that I just wasn't ready?  I think so.  I just felt in my bones that it wasn't the right time to go up there.

And now... suddenly I have this ache inside of me that is puling me towards the cemetery.  Ever since the hair shaving (ok, fine, two days ago), I've felt this overwhelming urge to go.  I need to go.  I need to breathe in the air and sit on the muddy ground above his body.  I don't know if they have to tombstone up yet, and I really don't care.

I miss you.

Hair

So, tonight was a beautiful night.

My friend Grace shaved her head to raise money for Osteosarcoma research.  So, I drove up to her town with my dad, into a little portable behind her church.  They were all waiting for me.  I felt so accepted.  We were all drawn there for a purpose... to remember Geoffrey, to commend Grace on her bravery, and to just love each other.

There were a lot of emotions running through my mind as I watched the scissors go "snip, snip, snip" through Grace long braids, and as the razor lowered, I wished that I could get my head shaved too.  There was some kind of strange longing inside of me to have a physical tribute to Geoff, more than just my ankle bracelet and my Mourning Toenail. (More on that later.)  This summer I'm going to shave my head with my friends Hilary and Holly on the 1 year anniversary of Geoff's death, but I wish it had been tonight.

It's really great to be able to spend time around people that understand what I'm going through, people who knew Geoff, who miss him, who still love him.  I find it hard to spend time at my Youth right now, because, although the teens are great, they don't understand me or how my life has changed.  They can't understand me.  But Grace does, the other girls there do, and obviously the Dykstras do.  I felt so accepted.

I got to talk to Geoff's mom one-on-one for the first time since the visitation.  I'm so, so glad that I did.  She is going to invite me over, and I can just talk with her for a while.  Their whole family is so wonderful.  I love the tattoo that John (Geoff's dad) got.  It simply says Geoffrey John Dykstra, with his birthdate, a cross, and then his death date.  I love Laura... she's just an awesome girl.  I haven't really talked to much to her about Geoff, because I don't want to upset her.  I don't really know Caitlyn that well, but she seems to be a lot like Geoff... really energetic!  :D

I'm so glad I went.  I left in tears, but, tears are good sometimes, I guess.